Some days... | manniesue's Blog

I don't know who I am.  I am Mandy.  I am Amanda.  But there are days where I just feel lost and confused.  I am nearly 23 years old.  I have completed 3 college courses, that no longer even count now due to how much time has passed since I took them.  I can't find better work than in a factory.  I can't do anything aside from disappoint my family...  I feel worthless. 

I came out as a lesbian when I was 16.  Okay.. so it was more that I was violently thrown from the closet.  I made stupid decisions. I came out by accident and it was horrible.  I made too many stupid decisions.  Then 2 years later I got my heart broken so bad that I went back into the closet for 4 years.  Yes, she broke my heart.. but it was so much more than that.  Losing her made me question everything I'd ever believed, thought, felt, and knew.  I spent 4 years bouncing from man to man, lost in a confusing daze.  None of it meant anything to me.  After losing a baby and having the crap beaten out of me, I gave up and decided to just be happy and alone with my dogs.  And then the most amazing woman fell into my lap.  We met on a support group forum online.  I was having a very rough time with things, and she came along and talked to me for hours.  She made me feel better about everything that was going on in my life at the time.  That was 8 months ago.  We've been inseparable ever since that first conversation. (I came out a month later)  And since meeting her, and getting to know her, and talk to her, I've realized that I don't need to hide who I really am.  She identifies as trans, but due to her age and health issues and her confusion over gender/sexuality issues, she is not transitioning.  After realizing that I'm not alone, and being in the company of someone who would support me and encourage me to explore my own gender issues, I came across the term Bigendered.  It fit.  And now things are starting to fall into place. 

But I still have days where I don't know who I am, or where I'm going, or what I'm doing with my life.  I feel as though I've lost myself and will never figure out who I really am.  Is this "normal" for being bigendered?  Or is there just something wrong with me?  It drives me crazy, and it worries my girlfriend, because I go into this super depressed state and have a very hard time getting out of it.  I feel as though I'm in between the two sides of myself, being pulled in both directions.  I WANT to be all girly, but I know that if I am, I'll be very uncomfortable.  And the entire time I'll be pulled towards my more masculine side.  And then when I am more "Mandy", I feel like I'm in the wrong body and just can't stand it.  I feel uncomfortable for that as well because I feel like everyone is staring at me.  As if they can all see how awkward I feel on the inside.  

I don't know.. I guess I"m just a confused mess right now. 

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Sometimes., posted February 20th, 2013
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