manniesue's Blog


Sometimes... I wish that I could let you look through my eyes for just five minutes.  Simply so you can see the amazing person that you truly are.  You're beautiful.  You're sexy as hell.  You're intelligent in a way that I just don't understand.  You are everything that I've ever liked in each of my partners over the years, all combined into this little ball of amazingness. 

Sometimes I can only gaze at you for so long, otherwise I fear the loss of what little sanity I have left.  When you smile, I stutter.  And when you blush... I fall head over heels for you all over again.  I may not be able to see these expressions on your face, but I can most definitely feel them.  Sometimes I think that I feel you so much because we are two halves to one soul, which is why everything that you feel has become 'me'.  You are as much of me at this point, as I am of you.

Sometimes it's too much to wrap my head around.  I mean.. honestly.  How did I get so lucky?  I'm from this tiny town that nobody has ever heard of in the middle of the country side.  I grew up playing in mud puddles, and climbing cattle gates to sneak back in the woods to go skinny dipping.  I mushroom hunt.  I ride horses.  (And I don't mean that fancy shit either.. I ride rodeo style, thank you very much!)  I can also clean/hoof/saddle horses.  I know more about aquarium fish than I'd care to admit.  I love to wear bib-overalls, and yes, I will stand there with my hands/arms tucked in the front across my chest.  I grew up racing four/three wheelers (quads, ATVS) across the local corn fields.  Also, I can shuck corn like you wouldn't believe, but only for the purpose of cornin'.  I actually went cornin'** as a child.  I like Nascar.  I'm a backwoods hick. 

And then there's you...   And sometimes, I still hold you up on that pedestal that makes me worry that I'll be too backwoods for you.  That you'll be ashamed of the fact that I like to dress the way I do, talk the way I do, behave the way I do. At the end of it all, I just feel stupid.  Because I know that you love me.  And I know that you're mine, and not going anywhere. 

Sometimes I think you're the lucky one (c'mon.. I'm a catch!).. And then I realize that I'm the lucky one.  Because without you, I wouldn't be the person I am today. 

**Corning or "Cornin'" is simply the act of throwing kernels of corn at passing cars while you hide (usually with a group of friends) somewhere out of sight, but close to the road. Usually done on or around Halloween & is popular in southern Appalachia & rural parts of the country."  Although we would get houses with lots of gravel out front rather than cars, because it'd make it impossible to clean up!

Some days...

I don't know who I am.  I am Mandy.  I am Amanda.  But there are days where I just feel lost and confused.  I am nearly 23 years old.  I have completed 3 college courses, that no longer even count now due to how much time has passed since I took them.  I can't find better work than in a factory.  I can't do anything aside from disappoint my family...  I feel worthless. 

I came out as a lesbian when I was 16.  Okay.. so it was more that I was violently thrown from the closet.  I made stupid decisions. I came out by accident and it was horrible.  I made too many stupid decisions.  Then 2 years later I got my heart broken so bad that I went back into the closet for 4 years.  Yes, she broke my heart.. but it was so much more than that.  Losing her made me question everything I'd ever believed, thought, felt, and knew.  I spent 4 years bouncing from man to man, lost in a confusing daze.  None of it meant anything to me.  After losing a baby and having the crap beaten out of me, I gave up and decided to just be happy and alone with my dogs.  And then the most amazing woman fell into my lap.  We met on a support group forum online.  I was having a very rough time with things, and she came along and talked to me for hours.  She made me feel better about everything that was going on in my life at the time.  That was 8 months ago.  We've been inseparable ever since that first conversation. (I came out a month later)  And since meeting her, and getting to know her, and talk to her, I've realized that I don't need to hide who I really am.  She identifies as trans, but due to her age and health issues and her confusion over gender/sexuality issues, she is not transitioning.  After realizing that I'm not alone, and being in the company of someone who would support me and encourage me to explore my own gender issues, I came across the term Bigendered.  It fit.  And now things are starting to fall into place. 

But I still have days where I don't know who I am, or where I'm going, or what I'm doing with my life.  I feel as though I've lost myself and will never figure out who I really am.  Is this "normal" for being bigendered?  Or is there just something wrong with me?  It drives me crazy, and it worries my girlfriend, because I go into this super depressed state and have a very hard time getting out of it.  I feel as though I'm in between the two sides of myself, being pulled in both directions.  I WANT to be all girly, but I know that if I am, I'll be very uncomfortable.  And the entire time I'll be pulled towards my more masculine side.  And then when I am more "Mandy", I feel like I'm in the wrong body and just can't stand it.  I feel uncomfortable for that as well because I feel like everyone is staring at me.  As if they can all see how awkward I feel on the inside.  

I don't know.. I guess I"m just a confused mess right now. 

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Sometimes., posted February 20th, 2013
Some days..., posted January 15th, 2013

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